Down the Spiral

I woke up with a tickle in my throat.

Am I sick?

I can’t get sick.

I don’t get sick pay.

If I take time off, that's going to shrink my check.

And I only work part-time as it is!

My credit is finally getting better...

But now my bills may not get paid on time.

I should probably get another job.

The kids need new underwear.

And why can’t they stop fighting!?

It must be because I’m a terrible parent.

It’s the divorce. That’s what did it.

Was it my fault?

Was it a mistake?

I hate the way they eat at his house.

Do I have enough groceries?

Can I afford to keep us gluten-free?

And they eat so much! Geez. I guess it’s because they're growing.

Which makes my grocery bill higher.

I’m going to have to get another job so I can feed them.

And pay for football and Tae Kwon Do.

And a bigger car….

Why did I buy such a small car?

Is there gas in the car?

It’s probably time for an oil change.

And why can’t the kids stop making so many crumbs in my car?

Why do I let them eat in the car?

Why do they eat so much?

Growing boys…

I hope they don’t get bullied in school.

What if they aren’t popular?

What if they feel less than?

Will they come to me for help?

Will they think I’m cool?

Am I cool?

I don’t have a lot of mom friends from their school.

Maybe I need to volunteer more.

Make new friends with their friends’ parents?

Am I involved enough?

What if their friends’ parents don’t like me?

What if they don’t like me, but like my ex?

That’s not fair.

What if my ex gets remarried?

And the kids want to live with him?

And his new wife is a better mom than me?

And they have cooler things?

And have more fun?

And nicer clothes?

And their dad is the one that gets them a car?

Or takes them to Disney?

What if they forget about me…

Because I have a tickle in my throat.

And I might be getting sick.

Sigh.

Go to sleep Selena. Go to sleep.