I get it.
You really want to succeed. You have all the great intentions of growing your career, or creating a business, or getting your ass in shape! I mean, you REALLY want this, but it’s just not happening. No, instead you tell yourself it’s not worth the time or the energy because you’ll never get that raise anyway. Or, you convince yourself that growing a business is so hard and you are very confused on how to take the first step. And getting in shape? Ha! How long will this last? A week or two? Hanging out watching Netflix is MUCH easier.
I watch women like you do this to themselves all the time.
They’re riding the rollercoaster of self-sabotage.
You are surfing the wave of normal human emotion. The highs and the lows, the back and forth, even the loop de loops. What you are making that mean, is what’s important. You are making mean is: “I can’t do it!”
First of all, that’s a bunch of bullshit.
Secondly, let me introduce you to what self-sabotage looks like so you can start to sniff it out and get rid of it for good.
Self-Sabotage:
Wanting something so badly and doing everything you never thought you would do to screw it up.
Even simpler:
Getting in your own way.
Wait, hold on! There is nothing wrong with you. You are likely doing this unconsciously. And when I say YOU, I actually mean your brain. Oddly, this is a great survival mechanism from this part of your brain called the primal brain or reptilian brain . (I personally like to call it the Toddler brain)
Not to mention the stigma of being a working mom in a culture that feels it can dictate who we are and how we act.
This adds fuel to the fire of doubt, overwhelm, and confusion that seems inescapable. What I teach my clients is how to override their sabotage and elevate their bravery that got them started in the first place. I help them get out of their own way so they can be a kick-ass mom, entrepreneur, and make the money they deserve.
Let’s start with a story.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before.
There was once a woman who had dreams of running a successful business. She did all the “right” things, so worked tirelessly, but still wasn’t reaching the goal she was after. She felt like she was on a never ending hamster wheel. She started to get the feeling that it wasn’t what she was DOING that was a problem, but what she WASN’T doing.
She had avoided the scary stuff. She had really great reasons for it too! I mean, come on! She is a mom of 2 kids, she’s trying to run a business, there’s only so much time in a day! It was really frustrating. The kids needed her. She could only see her obstacles and failures. She was always spinning in confusion of what to do next. And when things got tough, Netflix became her self-care. She was ready to throw in the towel.
She had two options:
Feel the pain of change (giving up), or the pain of staying the same (staying on the hamster wheel).
ORThe pain of taking a good look at what might REALLY be going on (her participation in self-sabotage) and changing the way she saw her world.
The truth is, most of us deal with this. Why? Because we are humans with human brains. Our brains like to default to old patterns and ways of thinking when things get “scary.” That primal brain I mentioned? Its job is to keep you safe. The hamster wheel is “safe.” Doing the scary thing is “DANGER.” We have to use our higher brain; the one with logic; to remind us that the feeling of “scary,” is just…a FEELING. You can process it, or, you can wear it around beating yourself up and wondering why nothing in your life is going the way you want.
The first step to changing that pattern is to recognize self-sabotage. When you understand what’s happening, you can work your way through it so your time on that hamster wheel is minimal AND there is a prize (result) at the end of all that hard work.
Ready?
4 Popular Ways You Self-Sabotage
1. Perpetual confusion
What it sounds like:
”I don’t know.”
”I’m so confused.”
”I’ve never done it before.”
If feels like:
Doubt
Why you do it (false reward):
This is a great coping mechanism to avoid feelings of failure. When you tell yourself you’re confused, you allow yourself not to make decisions. Heaven forbid we pick the “wrong” decision! Doing nothing is usually the go to action for confusion. Which is why I call it ‘perpetual.’ You continue to hide.
Result:
No solution, still confused, and the cycle continues.
2. Perfectionism/Procrastination:They go hand in hand
What it sounds like:
”I achieve, therefore I am.”
”I’m an all or nothing person.”
”If it’s not perfect, no one will like it.” (truthfully, you believe no one will like YOU.)
”I don’t need your help. I’ll handle it.”
”I work best under pressure.”
”I just need to look at one more thing (on Facebook).”
It feels like:
Fear
Why you do it (false reward):
Sometime in your life, you were only praised for your achievements and punished for minor infractions. The bar has been set very high and you do not accept anything less. Your brain feeds off of high performance as a way to control your environment and create a feeling of safety.. And heaven forbid someone give you input or constructive criticism! You will see it as judgement. Procrastination is tied closely with perfectionism. We often procrastinate, not out of laziness, but because of our brain’s lust to seek comfort. When love, comfort, safety, and belonging are threatened, FEAR sets in. So what do you do? Refuse help, work yourself to the bone with “busy work,” or check out completely with social media, wine, and Netflix. *tell me I’m wrong!
The result:
Your high standards and fear keeps you playing small. You live in a reactive state which keeps you from being fully invested or prepared.
3. Living in your past
What it sounds like:
”Last time I tried, I failed.”
“I’ve never done it before.”
“I’ve never have been good at ___.”
If feels liked:
Defeat
Why you do it (false reward):
Newsflash! The past is over. Nothing you have done in the past is going to change. Because of some past event, you subconsciously decided to make that thing or event mean something about you. “If only I had tried harder, I could’ve gotten that job,” ends up meaning, “I suck. I’m never going to get a job. What’s wrong with me?” Your mind will do everything to find evidence to prove yourself true and perpetuate an OLD STORY over and over…forever.
The Result:
You believe the thoughts triggered from your past experience; you to feel less-than; you give up. You fail before you even begin.
4. Self-pity
What it sounds like:
”I can’t do it because ____”
”My life is a struggle.”
”I’m never going to make it.”
It feels like:
Misery
Why you do it (false reward):
You believe that life happens to you, but here’s the thing: YOU happen to life. You blame your circumstances for your results. You believe that something or someone else has the power to make you feel a certain way. In truth, your feelings are a choice YOU make. You choose misery because this is likely the common feeling you’ve had. Your brain sees it as familiar and safe, so it calls you to drop into the misery instead of taking responsibility for your next action step.
The Result:
You repeatedly slide back into self-pity when things go wrong. You believe your problems are an unchangeable fact. You don’t move forward.
I know none of these sound like any fun; however, I’m curious. Did you recognize any of the four self-sabotage tactics you are using in your life? Are you surprised to see how they are hindering you in your day to day? You might be wondering what to do about your self-sabotage. The long answer is for another blog post. (stay tuned!)
The short answer is:
Start noticing what you are thinking.
What do you tell yourself day in and day out? Why do you believe it to be true? Your thoughts create your self-belief. Having awareness of that fact is KEY.
I'd love to hear what comes up for you after reading this post. Which of the 4 examples are you seeing in your life? Is there anything else you feel might be self-sabotage that you'd like to share? Comment below.
If you are ready to get ahold of your mind and say goodbye to Self-Sabotage, come on over and work with me. I've got an option for everyone.
