Today's post was written October 10th, 2015. As I draw near to the anniversary of my mother's passing, so much emotion is bubbling to the surface. Here is some background to my story.

Things are shifting.

Maybe it's the full moon.

Maybe it's the shift to fall.

Maybe it's the culmination of loving ME more, manifesting my heart's desires, meditating (sort of), and just being in a better headspace lately.

Whatever it is, I'll take it.

I feel energized, excited about life, and my body is actually holding up to working three jobs plus running my private business and being a part-time single mom.

YAY me.

Funny part is, I seem to need a reason why. I can't just accept it.

Why is it when we feel GOOD, we can't just let it BE?

We have to analyze, wonder, and (deep down) worry when the other shoe will drop.

And for good reason.

We've lived this pattern before and have experienced the "shoe-drop" that perpetrates our imprinted belief:

Too Much Goodness = Something Bad Happens


I'm not deserving of excessive goodness.


How UNFAIR is that.

A total ripoff of life.

We DO deserve uber amounts of goodness. We deserve happiness, love, smiles, laughter, passion, health, wealth, and anything else we desire.*

But somewhere, deep inside, we manifest it differently.

Our brain turns on us and creates deep seeded truths that we subconsciously believe. We experience this paradigm, time after time:

Too Much GOODNESS = Something Bad Happens

We learn to survive this pattern, create habits around it, and do it again.

Sound crazy?

Or are you nodding your head YES?

I truly believe that this explains my ENTIRE life.

It sure as hell explains today.

Why? Because, just as I wrote this I wrote THIS line:

Funny part is, I seem to need a reason why. I can't just accept it.

Why is it when we feel GOOD, we can't just let that BE?

We have to analyze, wonder, and (deep down) worry when the other shoe will drop.

I let that thought permeate my brain...and this is what happened next.

Shoe drop #1 - Phone Meeting - exactly three minutes after I finished writing that line

  • Emotional meltdown
  • arriers of fear erected all around me
  • Complete shift of my attitude and Core Desired Feelings
  • Doubting myself, my abilities, and my strength to continue to do what I love

Shoe drop #2 - Dad texted, "Call me when you can." That is code for - "I'm freaked out, you need to call me NOW"

  • Mom sick - not unusual

  • Dad frantic - unusual

  • Plans with my monkeys for the entire day - cancelled

Shoe drop #3 - Arrive at parent's house to convince mom to go to the hospital

  • No convincing needed. One look at her and I called 911.

  • This is the worst one yet

  • It's going to be a LOOOONG day

Shoe drop #4 - In waiting room in ER, I receive a call from the transplant coordinator

  • Mom denied eligibilty for transplant due to nicotine levels being sky high

  • Mom on nicotine patches that THEY (her doctors) PRESCRIBED for her so she could stop smoking

  • We are now a month behind getting approval and need to do weekly nicotine screens sans patches

Shoe drop #5 - Mom's heart in question - new finding

  • I finally have the moment - the moment when I take my medical-fact-based-mind and put it away. I CRY because my mother is dying.

After that one, I threw the damn shoe out the window and told it to F*** off.

Coming off of that, I wasn't sure I could finish this post. What can I possibly share with you or teach you that is positive in all of this?

I had an urge to meditate...but I chose to numb my brain instead with Facebook and writing.

What I came to was this:

Thoughts and words are powerful forces. We need to be VERY careful what we put out into the universe. We may say one thing, but think another. I felt strong and powerful this morning, but when faced with stretching and pushing of my business colleague in our meeting, all the thoughts of fear and failure leached out of my subconscious  and into every single cell of my body.

Every thought causes a chemical cascade that is felt throughout your body.**

Our cells will act out our thoughts.

I tell my monkeys to always focus on positive words and thoughts. (This is especially important for my oldest monkey - who is so much like his mama it's scary)

I tell them,

Speak what you want to happen. Dream about what you want out of life. Avoid the negative talk. Talk about what you would LIKE to do, say, or feel.

Yes, I say those things to them...and I'm am trying HARD to do it for myself.

If you are struggling with "shoe-drop fear" and spend too much time anticipating the arrival of the "something bad" that we perceive will happen, I want to offer these three things that may help -- and are kind of FUN!

Vision Board

I did this with my monkeys. So much fun to dream, plan, and MANIFEST our desires. I look at mine every day and speak and think what I see. I actually say "Thank you (to God, the Universe, whatever you believe) for bringing me (insert something on vision board here)." I say "Thank you" because I'm believing it has already happened...I'm just not seeing it yet.

Vision Board Session

Vision Board Session

Core Desired Feelings

I choose my FEELING words. I do this every 6 months, every week, and sometimes every day.  I also do this with the monkeys. The rule is: ask yourself - "What one thing can I do to feel this way today?" If you start to feel something different than your feeling words, try that ONE thing to get back to your chosen feeling. (sadly, today, I just shut down...technically, that was ONE thing...I guess)

Meditate (anyway you know how!)

I am by no means a master at this, but I have found that even 5 minutes of breathing and repeating something like, "I am impacting women lives in a positive way" (one of my goals), frames my entire day is such a beautiful way.

I want to leave you with this:

Life is hard. No doubt about it. We can either choose to be consumed by it, or LIVE IN it as it is happening around you. Ask yourself: How do I want to feel? Frame your words and your thoughts to align with that feeling. 

Breathe it in, drink it up, and throw that damn shoe out the window.

Love YOU More,

PS - I really, truly didn't know how I was going to write this. It was amazing to me how ironic this day was. I almost titled this "Oh, the Irony!" Funny how things pull together after you let the waters calm a bit.

*Read this by Danielle LaPorte:  A Declaration of Deserving

**Article related: Thoughts and Beliefs Alter Cells

Ah yes, this was written in 2015. Now you can see how I came to create the Love YOU More Manifesto Workshops. For more information on this transformative event, click right here --->